Sea Levels Rise as Starfinder Players Salivate at thought of Second Edition
Climate scientists have sounded the alarm as sea levels rose once again in response to Paizo teasing the Starfinder Second Edition Playtest due in August. “Every year, we have to come out and tell the people of the world that we’ve shot past our temperature goals once again, but this time it’s even more dire,” said Rick Spinrad of NOAA. “Ever since Pathfinder’s second edition was released, we’ve noticed an increase of flow in major rivers where Starfinder Societies are prominent. The most recent news has already caused flooding in several states.”
FEMA has already begun allocating sandbags, generators, and canned foods to the areas that are most likely to be affected by the playtest. “We’ve been prepping for this ever since the Second Edition was announced,” says Deanne Criswell, administrative head of FEMA. “The one bright spot with all this salivation is that we don’t have to worry about salinity as much. As long as you’re inland a bit, you can stick to normal boil advisories during the crisis.” When asked why the federal government had not stopped Paizo from releasing the second edition of Starfinder, Criswell shuffled and muttered something about finally convincing her group to play the Against the Aeon Throne adventure path.
Starfinder fans say that they understand the problems they are creating and are taking measures to prevent their spittle from flowing too freely. Fred Hamilton, a player from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, says that he’s been keeping up a steady diet of saltines, pinot noir, and overcooked chicken. “It hasn’t been working 100%,” he told us, coughing out a spray of cracker and saliva. “Every time I think I’ve got it under control, I start thinking about what my Ysoki Operative could get up to with three actions. If I don’t have to waste actions on movement, that’s more opportunities for trick attacks, and maybe I can block omto a tahsget beforeb I start to blugh blub…” With the new outpouring of spit and rising tides, we had to cut our interview short.
