Highest 2024 D&D Preorder Tier Includes Player’s Handbook With Real Rules That Prove You Are Right
Wizards of the Coast confirmed today that the price tiers of the 2024 core rule book preorders includes a secret “Adamant Master of the Weave” level where you can order “the real rules for the 2024 edition of Dungeons & Dragons” that let you prove to everyone else you play with that your understanding and interpretation of the game is the correct one.
“We understand that our fans are worried about how the new rule set will change the game,” said a Wizards spokesperson. “They’ve invested a lot of time and money into creating the stories and experiences they will share with their friends for years. And while the upcoming 2024 Player’s Handbook with continue with that tradition, allowing them to streamline their game for a more satisfying game experience, the select few who order at the Adamant Master level will receive a 2024 rule book with a few changes that ensure their game experience will be more personally satisfying than those who order the more widely distributed–some might even say ‘plebeian’–version of the game.”
While unable to obtain a copy of the Adamant Master Player’s Handbook, The Only Edition has confirmed that the version of the Player’s Handbook contains rules that verify all of the changes that you, personally, wanted to see in the newest edition, including the old version of that one spell that you didn’t want to change, a clarification of the rules involving your PC’s subclass that let you do that cool thing you thought of, more clarifications that prove that the crap your friend tried to pull last session was complete bullshit, and an explanation of why your DM’s ruling is not only wrong, but they have to retcon their whole game because they couldn’t comprehend the rule synergies you so cleverly spotted on your casual flip-through of the rules.
“People who order the Adamant Master Player’s Handbook know what the rules are,” said Chris Perkins, addressing reporters at a press conference, “but they also know what the rules should be. And people who purchase this will be given a special number where they can text rules clarifications to us so we can make sure they get added into an official addendum. This allows our biggest fans to directly influence and impact the game they have invested so much time and even more money into.”
“In fact,” continued Perkins, pulling his phone from his pocket, “we have a new one coming in right now. It says…’Paladins have to shove their holy symbol up their butt in order to use smite.’ There you go. That’s a bit of lore we never knew until we created this level of interaction. We’ll release that in a rules update soon.”
When asked how far up their butts a paladin must shove their holy symbol, Perkins stated that he didn’t know, but “the word ‘shove’ indicates there has to be some force behind that. Not a Strength check, surely, but maybe another Adamant Master will clarify that for us in a future update.”
Preorders for the Adamant Master level have been slow, mostly due to a rumored five-figure price that requires a credit and background check before purchase. When asked why those were necessary, an unidentified Wizards of the Coast representative said, “Shut up and pay.” He then ordered security to “throw out these deadbeats before they get their broke-ass germs all over our new game.” While we were being escorted from the premises, Perkins shouted that an Adamant Master was texting him rules for bank loans that will be published shortly.
