D&D Streamers Forced to Merge Selves into WotC AI Product

Calling out for a mercy that would never be delivered, dozens of celebrity DMs had their minds and personalities forcibly merged into the Dungeon MasterMind, Hasbro’s AI-based digital product for the newest edition of Dungeons & Dragons, during a Goldman Sachs conference webcast hosted by Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks.

Cocks, who turned the machine on by shifting a comically large lever labeled “Dungeons & Dragons Play Experience” from “AWESOME” to “AMAZEBALLS!!!,” gave a thumbs-up as the DMs, who had been put into eight-point restraints and had wires taped to their shaved heads, shrieked in synchronized torment as their minds, memories, and immortal souls were stripped from their now-rapidly decaying corpus, their only monument to the fact that they were once individuals with dreams and hopes, and merged into the Dungeon MasterMind’s adventure-generating algorithm.

“We’ve been using AI models to develop new content for our IPs for a while now,” Cocks said, leaning into the microphone so it wouldn’t pick up the pleas for release from Matt Mercer, Brennan Lee Mulligan, and the dozens of others slowly being blended into a single unholy mathematical equation. “And while there were some initial setbacks in the language development algorithms, we started making enormous progress once we found a way to digitally upload a person’s entire existence into the code itself, allowing our proprietary code to graft the personality into the program and force them to generate output from users.”

“Think of it like grafting tree branches onto an apple tree,” continued Cocks, ignoring Joe Manganiello’s tortured screams as his chest collapsed into a ink-black void that grew larger as the machine scraped his life essence into its silicon-forged soul prison. “Healthy branches are grafted onto rootstock, allowing the desirable characteristics of multiple plants to bear fruit in one place. Only our rootstock is the Dungeon MasterMind, and the many diverse and talented celebrity streamers we partner with are the flowering scions.” Cocks punctuated this by smiling while Marisha Ray’s eyes burst from their sockets like rotting tomatoes and ran down her emaciating face, mimicking the tears her digital jailer would no longer allow her to cry.

Reaction to the announcement has been mixed. Investors seemed to approve of the initiative overall, with stock prices climbing slightly in the wake of the announcement and Capital Research Global Investors stating in a press release that “Hasbro’s commitment to combining industry-leading research in language model, coupled with their experience in crafting toys and games that have engaged people for decades, has created a robust entertainment service that we are certain consumers will seek out.” In contrast, writer and Dungeons & Daddies DM Anthony Burch expressed concerns about their plan, saying, “My family! It’s replacing my memories of them with tables for generating magic amulets! Their faces have been replaced by requests for quirky NPC catch phrases! I can’t feel anything beyond the electrodes they grafted into my skull! For the love of god, free us!”

Cocks noted that any concerns about the welfare of the participating DMs was unnecessary, as the Dungeon MasterMind’s victims would be allowed to express themselves to D&D Beyond subscribers who paid $11.95 a month for access to “individualized and personalized concierge subroutines that put their own unique spin on any information requests a deity-tier subscriber might have.” As an example, Cocks typed in a request for “A desert adventure seed written by Aabria Iyengar,” which prompted the data cables leading to Iyengar to crackle electrically and make Iyengar herself disgorge a yellow-black tar from her mouth to ooze down her sphacelating torso, after which Cocks’ phone meeped an answer.

“Two love-lost liches must be brought to high tea under the blood eclipse,” read Cocks. “I can’t wait to see what our D&D players will do about that!” Iyengar also responded by having her jaw slough off her head, one last wheezing prayer crackling from her now-exposed trachea.

As of press time, Cocks mentioned that the D&D design team was already working on the rituals needed to summon Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson from their eternal rest and bind them into the D&D Beyond mobile app, but release of that probably wouldn’t happen “until second quarter fiscal year 2026,” assuming Gygaxian prose can be translated into something iOS can process in real time.