Man Gouges Eye Out so he can’t Look at Cool D&D Art

Emergency medical professionals were called to the home of Daniel Ritter, who had just gouged one of his eyes out so that he wouldn’t be able to look at the new D&D art being teased for the 2024 remaster. According to the EMTs who responded to the scene, Ritter was writhing on the ground as blood poured from his eye sockets as he screamed, “Billy Christian can’t keep doing it! He has to miss sometime!” The EMTs were able to confirm that Ritter had just set the new Tyler Jacobson cover as his desktop wallpaper, and that the art was “objectively sick.”

In the aftermath, Ritter says that the experience was more painful than he imagined, but still necessary. Interviewed from his hospital bed, he said, “I’m a staunch believer in not playing Dungeons & Dragons, and I’m also a believer in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. In the book of Matthew he says, ‘And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.’ I decided that it was better for me to game with one eye than to have two eyes and play D&D 5e again.” Ritter’s extreme measures were both physically and financially demanding, but again, he reiterated that he’d rather spend the money on himself than three more rulebooks of the same dreck.

Despite the loss of his eye, Ritter still finds himself tempted to look at the new art from time to time. “It’s been a struggle, but I think I’m managing,” he said, showing us the new setup he had in his home office. “With my left eye plucked out, I’ve made sure to have all of my important work on my right-hand monitor. D&D announcements will go on the left monitor.” Ritter says that he chooses to keep the temptation present as a test of his faith and willpower. “If I can resist looking at the latest splash art with one to four adventurers in the middle of the action, then there’s nothing I can’t achieve through Christ.”