
PSA: Do NOT google “Donald Trump Rule 34 Felony Count”
Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States was found guilty on Thursday of 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. A judge will make a ruling on the sentence former President Trump will face, but we at The Only Edition must stress that you never google the words “President Donald Trump Rule 34 Felony Count” or any variation thereof for fear that you destroy your childhood memories of beloved Sesame Street character The Count. Perhaps due to Google’s new reliance on its AI assistant, the top results will not be of Donald Trumps pending sentencing, but the lengthy slash-fic epic hosted on a WordPress site with a default theme.
It would break more than a few decency laws for us to describe the improbably carnal acts that occur in Trump Down for the Count and its sequel Trump: Down for the Count: Four More Years. Across these two digital tomes, over three million words have been written chronicling the torrid love affair by America’s 45th president and one number-obsessed vampire puppet. Penned by one avid writer who goes by the handle hand_up_felt_up, sometimes posting multiple chapters a day, the ongoing duology has maintained a steady pace of courtroom drama, prison politics, and human-on-muppet lovemaking.
“I never meant to cause any confusion,” said hand_up_felt_up, in an e-mail interview. “I assumed Trump would get arrested some time ago, and never could have imagined the confluence of events that could have brought so many eyes to my little story.” If anyone should not heed our warning, they said, this is the perfect time to drop in. “Donnie and the Count are at odds, due to some new evidence that might exonerate Trump. Trump wants to stay and build their life together, while the Count wants Trump to get out and lead a better life. If they start reading now, they might catch up just in time to find out whether Trump can stop the Count.”