Senator John Fetterman Accused of Using a Simulacrum

Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman has made several improvements to his life since suffering a stroke last year, and some suspect the towering congressman has used the mystical arts of the simulacrum spell to achieve this. The theory began to gain traction after the realization that a body double for six foot eight inches tall Fetterman would be somewhat unrealistic, but the creation of an illusory duplicate might be within the realm of possibility. One suspicious theorist, Oliver Pitt, says, “So much has changed in so little time. His speech, his hair styles, his willingness to make sure all identifying tattoos are visible at all times. I fully believe that they took a chunk of his beard hair and dropped it into a life-size tub of Allegheny river water to make a living construct.”

Some have argued that the Democratic Party will do all that they can to maintain their tenuous hold on the Senate, including tampering in God’s domain. Pitt argues, “It’s bad enough that they would use taxpayer money for the powdered ruby necessary to breathe life into an empty husk. But I wouldn’t past Sleepy Joe Biden to bend the rules and let Fetterman pull off a Simulacrum-into-Wish combo. It’s unlawful, it’s immoral, and it spits in the house rules our founding fathers laid out in the Constitution so many years ago.”

Senator Fetterman has heartily denied the use of a simulacrum spell in his apparent recovery. “I’ve made my progress thanks to the wonderful medical and speech professionals I’ve been working with. However, I will say that it’s ridiculous to deny the ourselves from the benefits of the advances of modern magical arts. I’ve been working from a doctor-prescribed Manual of Bodily Health as part of a comprehensive rehabilitation plan.”